I dislike it when people say, “I’m just trying to stay out of it.”
Stay out of it? If you could be helpful, provide insight, advice, a nudge, a word with someone, why would you want to stay out it? Particularly if there is a child involved.
I don’t get it.
I don’t get your logic.
I don’t get your impartiality.
I don’t get your method of helpfulness. It ain’t helpful, lady.
It has officially been two months. I am constantly assured that in 6 months, I’ll be doing back flips, but I’m still suspicious. Will the pain of being dumped ever go away? The acceptance and dissolution of a long-term partnership- Will that every feel okay to me? Will I ever acknowledge that this was the best thing that ever happened to me?
Sure as hell doesn’t feel like it now, but it also feels less and less like something that would shatter me beyond recognition. I still get up. I still brush my teeth. I still am able to laugh. True strength comes from the most mundane things.
I’m also slowly starting to recognize that my ex was not the right person for me. Like, at all. I even knew it for quite some time, but I let pride and insecurity veil the truth. Now that the veil has been lifted, I see this person for who he really is. Someone who didn’t love me or his family very much at all.
Is that a hard truth? Absolutely. Would I want another 10 years of that? Hell-fucking-no. I gave it my best. Knowing that I did does provide me with comfort. I mean, what else could anyone ask for? Not trying would be worse. And at least I don’t have that on my conscience.
…And all of that has led up to this. Sitting here at the kitchen table, the sound of airplanes taking off from Mitchell, the quiet whir of the fan, the cup of of coffee to my right. All of that led me to be sitting right here where I am able to think and live without worry or fear about him. Never having to wonder again, “Does this person really love me?” Because I know now. That leaves a bunch a extra room in my heart for people that do love and care about me. It also leaves space to put my energy into people who actually desire it.
I don’t think that’s so bad.
- Kit: *howls* Why does Daddy have to live so far away?
- Me: That's where he wants to live right now, baby. But, it's not because of anything you did. He loves you very much. And I'm not ever leaving you, okay?
- Kit: But it's not fair to children and mothers!
- Me: You're right, baby. It's not.
Everything changed in the blink of an eye. One minute I was coming home from a trip and the next minute I was being sat down and told that things weren’t working out. The worst part was seeing his face and knowing that he was serious… that he had contemplated this, prepared for this, and the only thing left to do was tell me.
I try really hard to not think about how it happened or why it happened and to only focus on what I’m going to do now, but it’s really hard when your frame of reference IS the past, you know? That’s all I got!
Also. My neighbor decided that we should make vision boards, that’s where you paste pictures of what you want your life to be like. The purpose is that you look at this stuff everyday and re-affirm what it is you most desire. When you’re heartbroken, it’s very easy to be all, “I don’t want this, I don’t want that.”
It’s time to start thinking about what I want now. I have some ideas too.